John Williams

John fucking Williams, I'm telling you now, this album is not Star Wars epic. Is this even the same John Williams? This isn't even JAWS amazing but I guess it's pretty good. They like to call him "poet laureate of the guitar", I suppose that's cool. Rock on with your gypsy funk JW, rock on.
P.S. I refuse to apologize for the 1 minute period of skipping on side b, fucking deal with it you fuck. I'm also not writing out the song titles because it's a bother.

Side A



Side B

The Shakin' Pyramids

Are The Shakin' Pyramids good? I don't know, it's like wanting Prince and getting ZZ Top. They look like they know how to rock, I mean look at that dude on the left. He looks like he could bite off your fucking face he's so crazy, and that guy in the middle? High as fuck, he can't even open his fucking eyes. Don't even get me started about what a sexual deviant that other dude is. According to the back of the record their "sound of manic rockabilly almost brought on the second French Revolution". Wow. They are "laying down some blow-inspired booty". No doubt my friend, noooo doubt.

Side A
1. Take a Trip
2. Tennessee rock 'n' roll
3. Let's go
4. Teenage Boogie
5. Tired 'n' sleepy
6. Wild little willie



Side B
1. Cry cry kitten
2. Sixteen chicks
3. Pretty bad blues
4. I got a baby
5. Sunset of my tears
6. Hellbent on rockin'

You Can't Take My Eyes Off You

I would just like to let you know ahead of time that if you were hoping to hear these beefy guys on the cover sing, you won't. Fortunately I guess all they are good for is laying around the fucking shop playing with batteries and baby oil. I also wasn't expecting this album to be a crazy disco soundtrack but now that I've heard it, I suppose it makes some NO FUCKING sense. Also, please note the clever pun of the album title to the first track. Lovely, I'm just sad this isn't an LP, I would love to gouge my eyes out to my favourite disco tunes.

Side A
1. Can't take my eyes off you



Side B
1. Disco Kicks

The Best of Marlene Sai

Marlene herself autographed this record on the back, I'm pretty sure it says "me keoloha primefskjdf" or "my fondest aloha". Getting this record signed was probably Kathleen's greatest fucking day, I can't imagine it getting better than this. I picture this record being played at a 1950's orgy cocktail party where all the drinks come with little umbrellas and fake plastic cherries. Also FYI, Hawaii's isles are made of golden dreams, born of hell fire and mother fucking water.


Side A
1. No Keaha (why?)
2. Ulili E (sandpiper)
3. One Little Dream
4. Hula O Makee
5. Pua Lilia
6. Moonlight and Shadows



Side B
1. Ke Kali Nei Au (HAWAIIAN WEDDING SONG!!!!)
2. Waikapu
3. Isle of Golden Dreams
4. Green Rose Hula
5. In Spite of it All
6. Sophisticated Hula

ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK

I bought this record solely based on this guys name. Apparently these are his greatest hits although I'm not sure how you have a greatest hits album when nobody has heard of you. Also, Mr. Humperdinck seems to think he is a global kinda man, a real cultural fucking savant. Check out the titles of his songs, they're so globe trotter romantic. This album is so so bad I couldn't even listen to both sides. I mean, maybe it does get better on side B but I'm not willing to record it unless someone wants to donate me a bunch of money, at least like 15 dollars.

Side A
1. Release Me
2. Quando Quando Quando
3. Les Bicyclettes De Belsize
4. Spanish Eyes
5. Am I That Easy To Forget
yes, yes you are.